Recently I have been sick. So over the weekend I decided to take time out and sleep the entire day. By sleep, I meant by sleeping the whole day. Which a good friend of mine pop up on my Whatsapp asking me on why I have been so quiet. Here is a snap shot of the said conversation which I will get into the topic of today.
To be honest, I was fucking annoyed by that statement. Does everything in life that you do has to come solely to this one statement – “If you loved me, then you’d . . .”. This blank can be filled in with a host of things; usually it involves the other person’s unilaterally changing or giving.
Testing occurs frequently in relationships and usually is destructive. Some examples are: “If I don’t text or call her, will she text or call me?” “What will happen if he sees me with another person?” “Will he still care for me if he knew a dark secret from my past?” “Will she do some things that I like even if she doesn’t like them?”
The best way to avoid testing is to be aware of your need to test. It is beneficial to admit to your partner that you may have to be reassured at times. You may want to be held, to talk, or even to be left alone. The purpose of most tests is to try to determine that your mate regards you as being important, and cares about you. Because tests are usually manipulations and dishonest communications, frequently they only foster more insecurity. When you have the desire to test, it may be due to something frustrating within your relationship which should be worked through. If you can begin to realize after you have tested someone that you have just done so, you can start to eradicate this tendency. Eventually, you may become aware of testing while you are starting to do it, and then be able to desist. Testing only sets up roadblocks, and the tester usually does not obtain the response they want. They may consistently feel angry, and unless they find someone whose goal is to placate their anger, they will find their partner also becoming more irritated and annoyed. This is because their mate probably will feel helpless and confused; not only may they feel they cannot do anything right, but they may be uncertain about why their lover is so frequently upset.
Testing can occur when you suddenly change important personal habits. There can be weight gain or loss, hair style and color can be altered etc. Some wonder: “Will he still love me if I am not a blonde? Can he still appreciate my essence?” All like to believe that someone will still love us when we get older, even if we lose our body tone, lose our hair, get wrinkles, or no longer maintain the same level of sexuality. There is a difference between aging and engaging in behaviors which you could predict will provoke your partner.
When a person deliberately does something which will jeopardize their relationship, they may be sabotaging intimacy. If your partner has made it clear to you that there are some things they just cannot tolerate, and you do those very things, you are setting yourself up for disharmony. This is also called being passive-aggressive. Some do self-defeating acts because they seemingly cannot stand things going smoothly. Others may begin engaging in these activities because they are depressed and/or angry with their spouses. Most of these drastic changes reflect an inability to deal with stress appropriately. When people begin doing this, they are producing negative momentum, and creating and enlarging the schism in the relationship. They can become more hostile because they not only are not getting support, but they may be receiving additional criticisms.
How do you know if you are running from intimacy and being defensive? A good guide to whether you need to use defenses is to observe how open you are when you relate with others. Are you able to be honest and affectionate with friends? Do you feel good enough about yourself to let yourself be known? Do you have constructive pastimes, which enable you to enjoy yourself? When was the last time you initiated some social activity? Can you be alone? Can you see your mate as a mistake-prone human? Can you be patient? A “no” answer to these, hopefully will start corrective actions.